Monday, February 1, 2010

The Best of the Worst

Empire Magazine posted a list of the "50 Worst Movies of All Time" and my friend Joel asked if I'd be interested on commenting on the list on the blog. I'm always happy to take requests (especially since they relieve me of the burden of original content) so lets do this.

50. Spider-Man 3-WRONG! While overstuffed and a bit too much helplessness from the protagonist the film is hardly a wash. Plenty of great moments and I LIKE the dancing. Why? Well because Peter Parker is inherently a dork and even if he was acting like a jerk, he WOULD be a goofy sort of jerk. There's just too much stuff in here that makes the film worthwhile to be considered a "worst." Most disappointing maybe.

49. Showgirls-Certainly a contender; bad acting, worse dialogue and beyond trashy aesthetics. Some of it's deliberate on the part of Paul Verhoeven (who has since gotten back on track) but some of it...yeesh.

48. Town & Country-Happy to say I missed this one. Warren Beatty was great in the 60's, 70's and 80's, but man know when to fold 'em.

47. Soul Plane-Soon to be advertised with "Oscar Winner Mo'Nique." Never seen it.

46. Howard the Duck-Good lord, yes completely belongs on this one.Awful, awful, awful. The movie that will make you wish for the time when Leah Thompson was creepily hitting on her own son as opposed to a DUCK.

45. Blade Trinity-Listen to enough interviews with Patton Oswalt and you might hear about the absolute crap storm that went down with Wesley Snipes behind the scenes in this one. With two such strong entries preceding it, Trinity is a pretty crappy come down.

44. Matrix Revolutions-Can anyone explain this to me? Can anyone explain this crappy Messiah parable to anyone? Definitely belongs.

43. Year One-Not great, not especially funny, but Oliver Platt's pretty solid. Bad but maybe not quite ready for "all-time."

42. Parting Shots-Never seen it (or even heard of it). Next.

41. Van Helsing-Yes. Stultifying action scenes abound as Universal whores out its legacy monster characters. Ugh, what a crap factory.

40. Superman IV-Jon Cryer as the incompetent nephew, the crappily named Mark Pillow as the Nuclear Man. Epic fail.

39. Dungeons and Dragons-Whatever happened to writer/director Corey Solomon? Who knows and who cares? This shoddy crapsterpiece nearly ended the fantasy genre on-screen before Rings and Potter saved it.

38. Son of the Mask-A sequel nobody ask for that arrived years after its sell-by date. Creepy dog, creepy baby and Alan Cumming as Loki for no reason. Frank put it perfectly "Fucking boo!" Definitely belongs on the list.

37. Max Payne-What I have seen of this looks pretty staggeringly bad. But I think it's just the sort of generic bad/boring as opposed to all-time bad.

36. Eragon-Hey look, the original idea train is no wait, we missed it.

35. House of the Dead-Any Uwe Boll film is a solid contender for a list of worst. Everything from technique to story is awful.

34. I Know Who Killed Me-But I don't know who saw this movie.

33. Ultraviolet-Kurt Wimmer's Equilibrium feels fresh (if occasionally heavy handed) but with a bigger budget Wimmer only made a mess. You don't care about the characters or situation one bit.

32. The Spirit-It's a mess but an entertaining mess. It appeals to a certain sensibility, a mad sensibility to be sure. I can understand why it's on the list but it definitely has vision. Crazy, crazy vision.

31. The Pink Panther 2-Too dumb and harmless to be on this list. Go pick on something truly terrible. The plot is actually kind of clever, just not well executed.

30. Scary Movie-Profane and obvious. It belongs on this list because you can certainly trace a line from this, to say, Epic Movie.

29. Southland Tales-Another mess but I don't fault its ambitions. There is definitely a lot of thought behind this but it's not especially well-executed. It's very frustrating to watch so I can understand.

28. The Sweetest Thing-An attempt to make a gross-out film "for girls" doesn't really work. More like a massive blow to the actresses' dignity than all-timer.

27. Street Fighter-Gloriously camp. Awful, yes, but lots of fun to watch.

26. Glitter-Oh yeah, definitely belongs on a worst of list.

25. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen-A fun, fun punching-bag. I don't know if what I hate is the movie, but what it represents. Getting closer to the future in Idiocracy, that's for sure.

24. Speed 2-Nice, solid choice.

23. Freddy Got Fingered-Points for insanity and boldness. Points off for absolutely crap execution.

22. Jaws: The Revenge-Silly, silly movie. But it's not the worst single on this list.

21. Alone in the Dark-Ha, yes, excellent choice.

20. Swept Away-Whining, obnoxious and damaged the good rep of an actual good movie. Damn skippy.

19. Gigli-"It's turkey time, gobble gobble" It sure is gang, it surrrrre is.

18. Dreamcatcher-Awful and belongs on the list, but funnnnn to watch.

17. White Chicks-Yes, definitely. Crap, crap, crap.

16. Plan 9 from Outer Space-It's not well made but it's made of love and vision. It's a special little movie for all its ineptitude.

15. Catwoman-Oooh yeah, totally belongs.

14. Disaster Movie-This one and all its ilk need to be burned.

13. The Avengers-"John Steed, what a horse's ass of a name", what a horse's ass of a movie.

12. Norbit-Ugh, each entry is starting to get more and more painful.

11. Meet the Spartans-Please make it stop.

10. The Room-Makes me both hope, and worry for, humanity. You're tearing me apart Lisa!!!! Wish I could watch this with a big group of friends so they too can know what I've suffered.

9. Highlander 2: The Quickening-Doesn't belong on the list, for the subtitle alone.

8. The Happening-May be too soon to call but definitely a contender.

7. Sex Lives of the Potato Men-Never saw it or heard of it. Must be a British thing.

6. Heaven's Gate-Dull and messy but not a worst of all time.

5. Epic Movie-Gahhhh this is terrible. Make it stop.

4. Raise the Titanic-Really? Is it THAT bad?

3. The Love Guru-Embarrassing and ego-driven, but more forgettable and unfunny then worst of all time material.

2. Battlefield Earth-Ah yes, right where it belongs.

1. Batman and Robin-And so endeth the lesson.

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